Wednesday, June 30, 2010

MISSING MISSY

My friend Steven posted this link on my facebook wall and I didn't open it for days because, for some reason, I just assumed it was spam. I don't know why. Maybe it was because the URL looked weird or because he and I have never really joked around about cats. I guess my excuses don't really matter because I finally opened it and now I'm seriously mad at myself for allowing fear of the unknown to get in the way of laughing at some lost cat's expense.

No more personal business on company pond

Sad news, friends. Party Down has been officially cancelled.

Cautionary Tales: This is Jammin'


I'm so embarrassed, you guys. Back in the late eighties, when I was talked into making an instructional video for hip hop country dancing, it seemed like a good idea. Everyone kept telling me, "Diane," (I was going by Diane at the time) "You've got the moves, you've got the blonde bowl cut. You're so close to having it all. Don't you want it all?" They told me that there was only one road to stardom and that road was through hip hop line dancing. Like the foolish 36 year-old woman that I was, I believed them and here I am, years later, no more closer to celebrity than I was the day I pulled on those red boots, rolled down my athletic socks, and tried to teach the world to do the two-step running man.

(video found via fourfour)

Monday, June 28, 2010

Silly Putty found in Chicken McNuggets

Still not found in Chicken McNuggets? Chicken! HEYO, I'M HERE ALL WEEK!

True Blood 3.3: What just happened?

Thanks to the hours in high school that I spent listening to Loveline and my lifelong devotion to reading Savage Love, I consider myself to be a pretty sex-positive person. I understand that monogamy isn’t for everybody, that sexuality is fluid, and that being into S&M doesn’t necessarily mean that you are an inherently violent person. These are all things that I accept, nay, support, just as long as everyone involved in your crazy sex play are consenting adults. That said, last night’s True Blood practically had me phoning the Family Research Council. “Uh, guys? Could you stop freaking out about Kurt wearing Gaga-esque lobster heels on Glee? The show True Blood just raped my eyes.” Seriously, what the hell was that?! The very special “Sexual Violence Against Women” episode?

We're in a safe space, let’s try to sort through this mess together.

We’ll start light with good ol’ Sookie. Last week’s episode ended with definitely-not-a-Nazi Eric fanged out and ready to save her from a scary werewolf intruder. Save her he does, but not before he tries to mine a little information out of the naughty puppy. The interrogation doesn’t go so well, though—Eric rips the man’s throat right out of his neck as soon as he discovers that this is all a part of Operation Werewolf (surprise, I guess?). Luckily, Sookie is able to work her mind readin’ before the man bleeds out and discovers that the organization is based out of Jackson, Mississippi. This is all well and good, but the scene is mainly important for another reason:

ERIC IS HOT AGAIN. I’M HEALED!

See, all he needed was to murder somebody and have blood all over his face to get me back on board. Don’t judge me—I’m sure Dr. Drew and Adam would say that I’m completely normal.

But back to the plot. Sookie decides to go to Jackson because BEEHL is there and she thinks that she can save him despite her inability to do anything right ever. She has help in the form of a ruggedly handsome werewolf escort, Alcide, who Eric has hired to be her protection. Alcide takes Sookie straight to Lou Pine’s, the oldest Were bar in Jackson (Lou Pine’s=Lupines? TOO CLEVER, CHARLAINE HARRIS). While there, Sookie decides to do some detective work through a bit of flirting. “’SCUSE ME, BOYS,” she hollers. “DO Y’ALL KNOW HOW A GIRL CAN GET A JAR A’MOONSHINE ‘ROUND THESE PARTS?” Right away, one werewolf is like, “you can find moonshine in my jean shorts,” and drags her to the bar’s fuck room (which, apparently, all supernatural bars have). Sookie, reading his thoughts, gets a flash of Bill. She asks the Were to take her to him, but he’s all “nah” ‘cause he’s really into the idea of raping her right now. Luckily, Alcide interrupts and Sookie is saved (but, seriously, she’s close to tying Jenny Humphrey for times almost-raped).

Back in Bon Temps, Tara is getting freaky with the evil British vampire, Franklin Mott. During their sexing, she asks him to bite her and he says no-- he only likes to do it if the woman doesn’t want him to. I hope the young men in the audience are paying attention because that is a totally sexually healthy message. Yeesh. Let’s move on. Franklin discovers that Tara lives with Sookie and glamours his way into their home. The reasons for his interest with Bill and Sookie are still unknown (as are the reasons for anyone’s interest in Bill and Sookie), but we can bet that he’s gonna use and abuse Tara to get what he wants.

Also being abused is Arlene, who happens to have the creepiest OB/GYN in history. Honestly, he was about a thousand years old and somehow makes her ultrasound an invasive procedure. Now, I’m no doctor, but I’ve taken enough classes on women’s health to know that a woman doesn’t need to be penetrated to see an image of her unborn baby. ICK ICK ICK. My tubes just tied themselves. What we were supposed to glean from the scene is that she’s too far along for it to be her boyfriend Terry’s baby. Does this mean that it’s the dead murderer RenĂ©’s? Poor Arlene tells Terry about the baby, he immediately assumes paternity, and she doesn’t have the heart to tell him otherwise. I know that the confusion is to complicate the plot, but I actually think that Terry would have done okay with the truth—he’s a nice enough guy that he’d probably raise the kid regardless. Oh, well. I guess he’ll have to find out when the baby comes out crying with a fake Creole accent.

Lastly, we have Bill. Still imprisoned by Russell, King of Mississippi, and his maker Lorena, he is haunted by dreams of his past that force him to realize that his involvement with Sookie can only bring her pain and suffering. To save her, Bill agrees to pledge fealty to Russell and never return to Louisiana. With that out of the way, he confronts Lorena, tells her he hates her, and then something else happens, but I can’t tell you what because there’s a big black hole where the memory should be. All I know is that since last night I can’t stop compulsively showering. So dirty. So sticky. It’s like I’ll never be clean again.

Want a black memory hole of your own? Don't say that you were unwarned:


Monday, June 21, 2010

True Blood 3.2: It Makes Me Feel Disturbingly Human


Oh, boy! Snoop Dogg sure loves Sookie Stackhouse. He loves her so much that he even made a rap about her and it was actually good! Just kidding. It was seriously terrible, but it is terrible in the way that True Blood is terrible, which is to say I got a total kick out of watching it. The out-of-sync back-up dancers dressed as janky Merlotte’s waitresses? Too perfect.

But on to the show! It was another pretty busy episode for the folks of Bon Temps and beyond. As much as I give this show a hard time, I will say that they know how to move things along and this episode was no exception.

The show opens with Bill Compton, postured for battle and bloody-mouthed. Having been surrounded by some angry wolves at the end of the last episode, we see that Ol’ Bill has done fairly well for himself—the wolves are all either dead or dying and—GASP—they’re turning back into people. So Bill wins the fight, but his adventure is far from over as he is intercepted by Russell Edgerton, King of Mississippi. Yes, it looks like each state is its own little vampire kingdom with its own set of vampire politics. These vampire waters sure do run deep. Russell has no intention of letting Bill return to his tear-streaked banjo-strummin’ Sookie. See, he was the one who organized Bill’s kidnapping to begin with and he plans to keep him locked up in the elephant from Moulin Rouge—at least until Bill agrees to help him marry the queen of Louisiana and consolidate power. Over the longest dinner ever, Russell reveals that Bill’s relationship with the queen might be stronger than previously thought. Not only that, but he also implies that Bill might be dating Sookie only because the Queen ordered him to.

Bill isn’t the only fish out of water. Sam is in Arkansas to find his birthparents and learn more about his shifter origins. He finds them fairly quickly, thanks to evoking the powers of this mysterious tome known as the white pages, only to discover that they are trash with a capital T and not in that charming Bon Temp way. No, Sam’s folks are the kind of trash that gets knocked up at 16, serves time in the clink, and have names like Joe Lee. At first, Sam is all “what the fuck” because he feels abandoned and angry. Having been given up as a baby, there was no one around to warn him that his puberty would be more extreme than the other boys. His anger fades a bit and is replaced by the relief of being surrounded, for the first time in his life, by people like him. Less happy is his younger brother Tommy, who is jealous that Sam was able to grow up away from this mess of a family. As much as Sam feels like he missed out, it appears that Tommy missed out even more.

Back in Bon Temps, Sookie continues her hunt for Bill and the meaning of Operation Werewolf. Dragging along Jessica (who is still preoccupied with the corpse in her basement), she heads to Fangtasia to seek the advice of Eric. Eric tells her that he has never heard of it, which is clearly a lie. Seriously, dude has been alive for a thousand years—you’d think that would be more than enough time to develop a decent poker face, but no. So he tells Sookie nothing, causing her sob and slobber all over the bar table. Her open display of emotion makes Eric uncomfortable—he’s starting to develop some real feelings for our dim bar maid and he doesn’t want to see her sufferin’. Meanwhile, in the ladies room, Jessica is seeking Pam’s advice on the disposal of a body. Remember last week when I said that Jessica needs a mentor? Well, Pam, dressed like a fabulous Las Vegas housewife, fits the bill perfectly because she is the fucking best. Once Sookie and Jessica scramble back to their respective homes, Eric is forced to revisit his poorly hidden Operation Werewolf memories. This results in a flashback to 1940’s Germany where Eric was, guess what, a vampire Nazi! Well, not really—he claims that he and his maker Godric were only posing as S.S. to investigate some secret werewolf society, which seems kind of weak—it would have been pretty ballsy of the show’s writers to prove just how evil Eric has been—but I understand why they didn’t, especially seeing as he’ll probably become the romantic lead at some point. Anyway, in his Nazi flashback, Nazi Eric discovers that Operation Werewolf is, in fact, led by vampires (WHAAAT?—wait, that’s actually not that exciting). Back in present time, Eric (having traded his S.S. uniform for a threadless.com t-shirt because, duh, vampires love artsy silk-screened v-necks) decides to head over to Sookie’s house to tell her the truth about werewolves and hopefully be invited in for some primal sexin’. He says as much and Sookie says no, but you can tell that there is some part of her that’s really like “OH YEAH.” She ends up inviting him in, not for sex, but because there is a werewolf hit man inside (of course there is). It shouldn’t be that big of a deal because werewolves don’t seem that strong. I mean, Bill managed to dispatch about 5 of them without getting a drop of blood in his man bangs, so Eric, a former Viking warrior, should have no trouble with just one. Regardless, they act like this is a big fucking deal. I guess we’ll find out next week just how big of a deal it is. On a related note, a friend texted me the other day about how Alexander Skarsgard seems to have lost some weight and it has somehow made him less attractive. At first, I said, “You crazy for this one, friend,” but, after last night’s episode, I think that she might be right? Like maybe he was way hotter last season? I don’t know—I’M SO CONFUSED.

Lafayette saves Tara from overdosing on pills (UGH), but Tara is still sad and unstable (over what, I don’t know because Eggs was pretty much the blandest). Since all True Blood needs is MORE characters to keep track of, Lafayette decides to take Tara to see his mother (played by Alfre Woodard) in a mental care facility with the hopes of scaring his cousin into staying alive and sane. The idea that Tara had never once inquired as to the whereabouts of Lafayette’s mom is a little shaky, but, then again, she is an extremely self-centered individual. His plan appears to work—Tara won’t be trying to kill herself again, at least not in this episode. In other Tara/Lafayette news, new love interests were introduced for both of them. For Tara, it’s the new vampire in town. He’s bad news, dressed in skinny jeans and roach-killers, and has a mysterious ax to grind when it comes to Bill and Sookie. Still, he’s pretty sexy and British and perfect for Tara—instead of hurting herself, she’ll get someone else to do it for her. As for Lafayette, it looks like he’ll be getting filled with the love of Jesus after all, Jesus being the bedroom-eyed orderly who tends after his mother in the mental institution.

A lot more happened in this episode, I suppose. Arlene is pregnant with Terry Bellefleur’s PTSD babies, but won’t tell him. Jason helps Andy with a drug bust and meets some mysterious lady. The new bad Brit vampire breaks into Bill Compton’s library catalog room (riiiiiight) and finds some files that might confirm that he’s dating Sookie on assignment. He also probably takes the body of Jessica’s victim, giving her something new to freak out about. Bill runs into his maker Lorena and starts her on fire. Oh, and Jason thinks that Santa might be real.

Till next week!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day

This is a picture of my father in the 80's. Not much has changed. He still plays in bands and rides a skateboard. Only now, at the age of 49, he also spins records in crowded bars, rides cyclocross races, and travels the globe. People my own age (and younger) often know me first as "Robin's daughter," and are disappointed to discover that I know so much less about music, bikes, and ultimate frisbee than he does. At times, his popularity and youthfulness can drive me crazy- we can't go out to dinner without being interrupted several times by people who want to say hi, he is so busy that he's often hard to get ahold of, and, on one occasion, I was turned down by a hot bike mechanic because he was friends with my dad and thought that it would be weird. In these situations, I have to remember what draws people to him in the first place. He is integral to the fabric of Madison, he pursues what makes him happy, and he is one of the most generous people I know. Taking those things into consideration makes me realize that I'm quite lucky to have him as a father and that those annoyances are, in the end, minor sacrifices.

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

All in the game.

It's play or be played, yo.

5 Beekman

Until recently, this was an abandoned building in downtown Manhattan, one block from City Hall.


The new owners plan to convert 5 Beekman St. into a hotel, but I say we claim Squatter's Rights before they have the chance.

While we're looking at abandoned buildings, check out these forgotten storefronts of Williamsburg, most of which are mere blocks from my old apartment.



Monday, June 14, 2010

True Blood 3.1: You Picking Up What I'm Putting Down?

A Confession: One of the main reason I started this blog was to recap the third season of HBO's delightful camp fest True Blood. This will be a weekly feature at Madeleine Davies Aims to Please.

Last night’s premiere of True Blood definitely kicked off the season with a bang, and by “bang” I mean a rapid series of catch-up before we even saw the opening credits. Luckily, we only had to catch up about 15 seconds because Season 3 of True Blood picks up right where Season 2 left off with Bill having been kidnapped, Jason having shot Eggs in his nicely symmetrical face, and Jessica going from new teen vampire to seducer and killer of truck drivers.

It all begins with Sookie Stackhouse because, for some reason, Alan Ball has decided that she is a compelling character that we the audience should feel invested in. Unfortunately, we do not feel invested in her and I feel perfectly comfortable speaking for all of us. So Sookie is in hysterics because, duh, she’s Sookie and hysterics is one of the three emotions that she is capable of (the other two are unqualified uppity-ness and sadness aided by fiddle soundtrack). To be fair, she has her reasons for being hysterical, since Bill has been kidnapped and she hasn’t had the chance to accept his completely inappropriate and irritating marriage proposal (God, I hate those two). What’s worse is that the ever-logical Bon Temps sheriff’s department couldn’t give less of a fuck that Bill has gone missing. First, they assume that he tore apart the restaurant before leaving in a scorned huff, and then they confess that they just can’t be bothered. Poor dimwitted Sookie won’t accept this, which leads an entire episode of Anna Paquin stomping around in her cut-off overalls, straw hat, and blackened tooth, hollerin’ that BEEEEHL’S BEEEHN KEEEEEHDNAPPED. I’m already totally bored with her storyline.


Elsewhere, Jason Stackhouse is in a complete panic, having shot Eggs under the pretense of saving Detective/Stevedore Andy Bellefleur/Frank Sobatka. Andy takes the rap for the killing, but his cover story is full of holes and he knows it. He also knows that the Bon Temps police are completely incompetent, so, as long as he and BFF Jason keep their shit together, the two of them should be alright. Though possibly absolved from legal responsibility, Jason is still a wreck about killing Eggs. This leads to a hilarious inspirational speech by Andy in which he tells Jason to stop thinking with his conscience and start thinking with his sex drive. As long as the rest of the town sees Jason acting like his old philandering self, the dummies won’t suspect a thing. “Conscience off, dick on,” indeed. Jason takes Andy’s advice to heart (or at least to cock) and hits up Merlotte’s in search of tail. He finds it in the form of two twenty-something New Yorkers who are apparently fucking their way across the country on a road trip. With the help of the reluctant and heartbroken Hoyt (who I am sincerely happy to see again), Jason has a TOTALLY normal conversation with these two girls (showrunner Alan Ball must have spent his entire budget researching how 23-year-old girls talk to each other because I was like, “GET OUT OF MY LIFE”) and convinces them to go back to his place to engage in some group-sex. Hoyt is out because he is too sad about his maybe ex-girlfriend, teen vampire Jessica, and because he is one of the show’s few characters with a solid moral compass. Jason, too, ends up failing to participate because he is too preoccupied with the idea of being a murderer to get aroused. Not only that, but every time he looks at the women in his bed, he imagines them with bullet holes in their heads. He tells them that and they leave, rightfully terrified. Looks like Jason’s path to promiscuity will be a rocky one. For now, it’s conscience on, dick off.

Complimenting Jason’s emotional turmoil is Bill’s physical one. He’s been kidnapped by a group of guys who you know are tough because they wear black leather and denim jackets with the sleeves cut off. Yeah, pretty bad. They’re also V-addicts who like to drink directly from the source and drink they do. It’s a series of pretty gross scenes that include a lot of blood spitting and nipple rubbing, all of which Bill must watch as he slowly bleeds out. Somehow, with all of his kidnappers high and reckless, he manages to escape and kill his captors. Bill discovers that he has been taken to Mississippi, which is significant somehow, right before he is attacked by a group of werewolves (yes, there are now werewolves, too). I would go into more detail, but it would probably make me fall asleep at my computer because Bill is that uninteresting.

You know who is interesting? Jessica. See, Jessica’s got a real problem on her hands and it comes in the form of a dying trucker. Though she’s the one who drained him, Jessica is freaked the fuck out. Whether this is because she feels remorse for causing a horrifically violent death or because she is afraid of the fall out when her prudish maker Bill finds out about it is debatable, but I’d say it’s probably a mix of both. She’s so panicked that she doesn’t even have time to cover up her bra or reconcile with Hoyt. She even tries to turn the now-completely-dead man into a vampire, but the plan fails and now she’s stuck in an old mansion with a decaying corpse. She is almost caught when Sookie barges in, barefoot and blowing on XXX jug, and demands Jessica’s help. As Bill’s progeny, Jessica might be able to help find where Bill’s been taken—the two share a blood bond which allows them to be psychically connected. Jessica is able to lead Sookie as far as the corpses of Bill’s kidnappers, causing her to self-identify as a “freak of fucking nature.” Poor Jessica. Girl needs a mentor and self-consumed Sookie is not cutting it. Sookie makes Jessica check the kidnappers’ bodies for ID so she can find out who would have wanted to take Bill and all Jessica ends up finding is a strange tattoo that is connected to something called Operation Werewolf.

In other vampire news, things are getting out of control at Fangtasia. Boss man Eric Northman has been keeping himself busy in his fuck dungeon with one of the club’s new dancers, who looks like a runner-up from Pussycat Doll’s Present: The Search for the Next Doll. They show us a quick peek of the action and I think it was supposed to be sexy? Really, it just made me feel super uncomfortable. As someone who finds Alexander Skarsgard incredibly attractive, I’ve got to say that it was a weird and wasted opportunity. Oh, well—we still have hopes for next week. Besides boning the dancer, Eric is dealing with the missing Bill situation. Because of his attraction to Sookie (sure, okay), he feels conflicted about helping to find him, but, still, he is duty-bound as sheriff of Area blah blah blah. Adding pressure to his workload is the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, Sophie-Anne (played overwhelmingly by Evan Rachel Wood), who is having him sell vampire blood to help her pay taxes because vampires be mingling with people now. Unfortunately, the vampire magistrate has come all the way from Juniper Creek to see why so many vampires have gone missing and why the use of V is so prominent in their state. For being so old and experienced, both Sophie-Anne and Eric are terrible liars. The magistrate seems to suspect something, but he’s not saying what, at least not yet. Also at Fangtasia is Pam who, I’m glad to say, will be around a lot more this season. She’ll also be a lot gayer—good for her!

Speaking of gay, Sam Merlotte is having some adventurous dreams, thanks to drinking Bill’s blood at the end of last season. Like the Eric sex scene, Sam’s dream pretty much lacked any real sexiness, at least for me. I’m sure there are people out there who are supes turned on by the idea of stocky men with feathered bangs taking a shower together. For their sakes, I’m sad to say that Sam wakes up before they can do anything besides walk around each other and speak thinly veiled innuendo.

Lastly, we have Tara and Lafayette. Tara is filled with anger and sadness over the death of Eggs and is looking to pin the blame on someone. Unfortunately, I don’t feel all that bad for her. That relationship was weird and she has always been full of sadness and anger anyway. Still, Lafayette is there to take care of her and thank god for that. He had a pretty traumatic last season and I was glad to see him all sparkly belts, feathered fedoras, and PILLS PILLS PILLS. There’s also the fact that he is the smartest character on the entire show, as seen in his verbal takedown of the walking train wreck that is Tara’s mother, Lettie Mae. The episode ends with Tara locking herself in the bathroom and attempting to O.D. on Lafayette’s personal pharmacy. Lafayette figures this out (like I said, smartest on the show) and tries to break the door down. Honestly, he should just let her die. And then he should find away to let Sookie and Bill die, too. That way, we might actually end up with a pretty good show on our hands.

Same time next week!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

kjdfghkhg (I just smashed a bottle of champagne on my keyboard. LET THE BLOG BE CHRISTENED!)

Hi friends and welcome to Madeleine Davies Aims to Please!

Who the heck is Madeleine Davies, you're probably asking and good for you (your curiosity and thirst for the answers is probably what your friends and family love most about you). Madeleine Davies is 23-year-old lady from Wisconsin who likes a lot of lame things without irony and can’t wait to tell you about them. If you don’t like lame things, don’t worry. She also likes some cool things like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, haircuts, and various types of animals. People who love irony can relax as well because Madeleine Davies can be a real cunt sometimes.

This blog was started, first and foremost, as an excuse to write about herself in the third person, but also to showcase some fancy writing skills and share what she believes to be a unique, humorous, and thoughtful perspective. Just kidding. This is a blog entirely devoted to dick jokes. Enjoy!

P.S. You can find previous writings by Madeleine Davies over at The Astounding Adventures of the Pop Quiz Kid.