Monday, June 28, 2010

True Blood 3.3: What just happened?

Thanks to the hours in high school that I spent listening to Loveline and my lifelong devotion to reading Savage Love, I consider myself to be a pretty sex-positive person. I understand that monogamy isn’t for everybody, that sexuality is fluid, and that being into S&M doesn’t necessarily mean that you are an inherently violent person. These are all things that I accept, nay, support, just as long as everyone involved in your crazy sex play are consenting adults. That said, last night’s True Blood practically had me phoning the Family Research Council. “Uh, guys? Could you stop freaking out about Kurt wearing Gaga-esque lobster heels on Glee? The show True Blood just raped my eyes.” Seriously, what the hell was that?! The very special “Sexual Violence Against Women” episode?

We're in a safe space, let’s try to sort through this mess together.

We’ll start light with good ol’ Sookie. Last week’s episode ended with definitely-not-a-Nazi Eric fanged out and ready to save her from a scary werewolf intruder. Save her he does, but not before he tries to mine a little information out of the naughty puppy. The interrogation doesn’t go so well, though—Eric rips the man’s throat right out of his neck as soon as he discovers that this is all a part of Operation Werewolf (surprise, I guess?). Luckily, Sookie is able to work her mind readin’ before the man bleeds out and discovers that the organization is based out of Jackson, Mississippi. This is all well and good, but the scene is mainly important for another reason:

ERIC IS HOT AGAIN. I’M HEALED!

See, all he needed was to murder somebody and have blood all over his face to get me back on board. Don’t judge me—I’m sure Dr. Drew and Adam would say that I’m completely normal.

But back to the plot. Sookie decides to go to Jackson because BEEHL is there and she thinks that she can save him despite her inability to do anything right ever. She has help in the form of a ruggedly handsome werewolf escort, Alcide, who Eric has hired to be her protection. Alcide takes Sookie straight to Lou Pine’s, the oldest Were bar in Jackson (Lou Pine’s=Lupines? TOO CLEVER, CHARLAINE HARRIS). While there, Sookie decides to do some detective work through a bit of flirting. “’SCUSE ME, BOYS,” she hollers. “DO Y’ALL KNOW HOW A GIRL CAN GET A JAR A’MOONSHINE ‘ROUND THESE PARTS?” Right away, one werewolf is like, “you can find moonshine in my jean shorts,” and drags her to the bar’s fuck room (which, apparently, all supernatural bars have). Sookie, reading his thoughts, gets a flash of Bill. She asks the Were to take her to him, but he’s all “nah” ‘cause he’s really into the idea of raping her right now. Luckily, Alcide interrupts and Sookie is saved (but, seriously, she’s close to tying Jenny Humphrey for times almost-raped).

Back in Bon Temps, Tara is getting freaky with the evil British vampire, Franklin Mott. During their sexing, she asks him to bite her and he says no-- he only likes to do it if the woman doesn’t want him to. I hope the young men in the audience are paying attention because that is a totally sexually healthy message. Yeesh. Let’s move on. Franklin discovers that Tara lives with Sookie and glamours his way into their home. The reasons for his interest with Bill and Sookie are still unknown (as are the reasons for anyone’s interest in Bill and Sookie), but we can bet that he’s gonna use and abuse Tara to get what he wants.

Also being abused is Arlene, who happens to have the creepiest OB/GYN in history. Honestly, he was about a thousand years old and somehow makes her ultrasound an invasive procedure. Now, I’m no doctor, but I’ve taken enough classes on women’s health to know that a woman doesn’t need to be penetrated to see an image of her unborn baby. ICK ICK ICK. My tubes just tied themselves. What we were supposed to glean from the scene is that she’s too far along for it to be her boyfriend Terry’s baby. Does this mean that it’s the dead murderer RenĂ©’s? Poor Arlene tells Terry about the baby, he immediately assumes paternity, and she doesn’t have the heart to tell him otherwise. I know that the confusion is to complicate the plot, but I actually think that Terry would have done okay with the truth—he’s a nice enough guy that he’d probably raise the kid regardless. Oh, well. I guess he’ll have to find out when the baby comes out crying with a fake Creole accent.

Lastly, we have Bill. Still imprisoned by Russell, King of Mississippi, and his maker Lorena, he is haunted by dreams of his past that force him to realize that his involvement with Sookie can only bring her pain and suffering. To save her, Bill agrees to pledge fealty to Russell and never return to Louisiana. With that out of the way, he confronts Lorena, tells her he hates her, and then something else happens, but I can’t tell you what because there’s a big black hole where the memory should be. All I know is that since last night I can’t stop compulsively showering. So dirty. So sticky. It’s like I’ll never be clean again.

Want a black memory hole of your own? Don't say that you were unwarned:


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