I have been told that I'm not a particularly maternal person, which is not at all true. I like babies. Really, I do. They're funny, have soft skulls and tiny fingernails, and often look like aliens. When my friends have babies, I am genuinely excited for them. Sometimes, I'll even put a pillow under my shirt and pretend to be a pregnant WWII widow. "At least he'll grow up knowin' that his daddy died a hero at Guadalcanal," I say shakily, before removing the cushion and returning to a perfect world where I care only about myself.
I guess what I don't like is pandering to babies. No one seems to care if I'm tired or hungry or have to go to the bathroom, so why should I care about the similar needs of a baby? Because they are unable to articulate their needs and lack the necessary mobility to help themselves? I am so sick of being punished for having, like, three times the brain power of the average infant, but that's the world we live in, folks-- mediocrity is rewarded and I'm forced to spend the entire day in a soiled adult diaper. God bless the U.S. of fuckin' A.
Taking all of that (that=my mental disorder) into consideration, you can probably understand my discomfort when I found this on my facebook ad bar today:
Let's look closer:
So many questions, like WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHY IS HER STOMACH MADE OF GLASS? WHAT IS THAT BABY DOING TO HER? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE BABY OPENS ITS EYES? DOES IT EVEN HAVE EYES? WHY WOULD THEY THINK I WOULD BE MAKE AN APPROPRIATE ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN? WHY AM I SO THREATENED BY NEW LIFE? NOW I HAVE TO CALL MY THERAPIST.