Wednesday, December 8, 2010

"Tom Brady With Out Legs"

Though football was a pretty big deal at my high school, I can only remember going to two games throughout my entire time as a student (and I only remember one of those times because a glow stick broke open INSIDE my mouth). In college, I never went to a single football game—in fact, I don’t think I’ve even watched one on television. I didn’t actually learn how a game of football was played until about three months ago when I marathon-watched seasons 1-4 of Friday Night Lights and I’m STILL fuzzy on the rules (is a snap when Taylor Kitsch runs? No? What’s it called when Taylor Kitsch runs? And they get points when he takes off his helmet? No? WHY IS NO ONE GIVING TAYLOR KITSCH POINTS?).

In sum, I'm no expert on football. I am however an expert on anger, so I was able to relate to this child's drawing of the New England Patriots' Tom Brady all the same:

Who among us hasn't imagined someone we hate "with out legs and in a stretcher"? Just the other day, for example, I saw an old woman feeding pigeons in the park. Watching her knobby knuckles poke through her thin skin as she gripped at stale bread crumbs, I couldn't help but think about the quick passage of time and how, to her, it probably feels like only yesterday that she was my age. Suddenly, I realized how bummed out this old lady was making me and became really angry. I then imagined her on a stretcher without legs and it made me feel a lot better. Touchdown!


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Child Abuse Is Dead Forever

Congratulations, Facebookers! By changing your profile picture to an image from your favorite childhood cartoon, you have successfully ended child abuse! Really! That’s all it took! Those who have devoted endless hours to achieving a degree in social work with the hopes of entering into the public school system or Child Protective Services where they constantly have to fight against opposition and red tape all for the betterment of kids? TIME WASTERS. Get with the 21st century, grandmas. Social change isn’t spurred by philanthropy and volunteerism—it’s spurred by changing your avatar to a picture of Heffer from Rocko’s Modern Life.

Can I tell you what a relief it was to not wake up to the noise of the upstairs neighbor boy’s wails as he was beaten by his father for failing to make the varsity football team for the second year in a row? It was SUCH a relief! And it’s all because of us, friends! We truly are the Greatest Generation.

But why stop now? Since we’ve successfully ended child abuse through Facebook, isn’t it our duty to tackle all the world’s issues through means of social networking? Answer: It is! Below, I have compiled a list of five ways that we can fix the world, all from the comfort of the MacBook Pro our parents bought us as a graduation present. To borrow the immortal words of Montell Jordan, this is how we do it:

1. Change your profile picture to your favorite Sex In The City lady to fight female genital mutilation. Like women who are victims of FGM, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda ALL have vulvas (if you don’t believe me, watch the show! They use them all of the time!).

2. For one week, devote your twitter feed solely to news about Carson Daly-era TRL. Remember when Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” alternated between the number 1 and 2 slots for a whole week?! Well, that occurred the same year as both the World Trade Center attacks and the beginning of the most serious economic downturn since the crash of the stock market in 1929. By participating in this trend, you’re solving both the economy AND terrorism.

3. Create a lip dub video to your favorite Ke$ha song. If enough people call attention to America’s favorite garbage monster, everyone will be more likely to recycle and global warming will be over.

4. Create a Tumblr dedicated to Long Duck Dong from Sixteen Candles because... Asia. Too many people forget about Asia. Remind them with everyone’s favorite racist caricature from an 80’s classic.

5. Temporarily replace Facebook’s popular “Poke” feature with the “AIDS Poke.” Next, AIDS Poke as many people as possible. Once we’ve all been AIDS Poked, everyone will be able to empathize with what it’s really like to suffer from AIDS. After that, AIDS will finally feel understood and will probably go away.

Of course, we can't fix all of the world's problems through social networking. Still, we ought to sleep well knowing that we've done everything we possibly could without exerting any effort whatsoever.

Goodnight, sweet heroes. Dream of the monuments they will erect in our honor.